Life with Bob was ok. I didn't love him ...because I did not have love within my being. Zero. I loved no one and nothing, because I had not been loved. One is not born with love, loved is learned. I had not bonded with my mother, my father made it very clear that he hated me, Don was the first human being who loved me, then left me. My heart was dark. Very dark. I needed Bob --- to take care of me. I needed his "love," and I think he really did love me but I was unable to believe it or to receive it.
I got pregnant right away. I wanted children because I reasoned that if I had a few children maybe one of them might love me. I had no idea, none whatsoever that I was not fit to take on the role of motherhood. I had no love. My soul was dark. But I craved love, I wanted love with all my heart, so I had children. But it didn't turn out the way I expected. These children were born into a dysfunctional family, a proud ladder-climber and mostly absentee father, a man who worked all day and went to school nights because he realized he needed degrees, and a mother whose heart was dark with hatred and depression. But ...something that would "help" was on the way...
Bob led me into the world of alcoholism. He was rising fast in the company he worked for and he demanded that I drink with him when we were out socializing with the people he needed to socialize with. Before we were married, I had asked him to agree with me that there would never be alcohol in our home, because he came from a family of drunks and there was alcoholism in my family too. I was petrified of it and requested that we take this seriously and never go that way. He agreed. But at our wedding reception there was wine on the table. I hadn't wanted it, but my mother had insisted. Well ...Bob drank his wine. And then he drank mine. It was a "red flag" I later would realize I should have noticed, because it was the beginning of a walk through the hell of alcoholism.
It began as soon as I turned 21, the legal age of drinking alcohol in the state of Maine. We were out to dinner with Rich and Connie, Bob's boss and his wife. He told me before leaving, "no more Shirley Temples for you! You WILL drink with us!" He proceeded to order a drink for me and I was shaking all over as I began to drink it. But a funny thing happened. Suddenly, I felt good. The terrible anxiety I had when being with people -just left me. I was relaxed. I actually enjoyed myself. I was amazed, and in total awe of this new experience.
Later, we had Rich and Connie over for dinner, and the same thing happened. The only difference was ...now we had alcohol in the house. And I had discovered that when I drank it, the darkness inside went away. My life was a living hell. But alcohol turned it into heaven. And thus began the years of alcoholism that would eventually bring me to the edges of death.