I received an email this morning from a brother in the Lord, who's intent was to tell me I'm wrong in what I do, or the way I do it.
A couple interesting things happened as a result.
Of course, the human reaction to something like this is always going to be anger, and that's what I felt at first. With some choice words I'd like to say to him. And all kinds of justifications.
But the thing that happened next was a real eye-opener to me.
As I was brooding over this, the thought in my mind was that I am not even going to mention this to the Lord. I'll just bless that brother, and let it go, so that I can keep my heart in peace.
But later, when I came before the Lord for my morning time with Him, my decision to not even pray about this came under the Lord's spotlight. Clearly. And it stung, as I was directed to take a good look at it. I mean, you're sitting there before the Lord, and there's no way to avoid it once He has opened it up.
First of all, what came to my attention was the question WHY had I meant to not pray about it? And as I sat there in the Lord's presence, I realized He was exposing another layer of rebellion and self-will in my own heart, this awful fleshly element which demands that I do what I want to do no matter what, especially since I firmly believed that what I do IS the right thing before the Lord.
But as I continued in meditation, He showed me that whether or not what I do is right before him - is NOT the issue. The issue is what this incident has bared in my own heart, a rebellion and self-will that I truly thought was long gone from me, but apparently has left some tentacles behind. The thought of bringing what I do and presenting it to ANYONE'S scrutiny, even the Lord, was something my heart was stamping its feet about and angrily rejecting.
This is the second time in about a week that this very same thing has happened. And in both cases, the issue has not been what I do, but what lurks way down deep, hitherto unexposed. Pride. Self-will. Rebellion. And it would take something like this incident to bring it up into the light, because I had no idea it even still existed in me.
So as I sat before the Lord this morning, He showed me the pride and rebellion still in my heart. As I was about to speak to Him about it, I immediately felt that awful sting, the sting PRIDE bites you with when it doesn't want to be exposed. But the Spirit of the Lord prompted me to overcome it, and so I took a deep breath and opened my heart widely before the Lord, confessing all this to him as SIN.
I realized that if anything I do as ministry unto Him is in any way NOT his will for me, then how on earth can I expect him to be in it or to bless it?
Do you really want to be "on your own" in what you do, suggested the Spirit of God? You in control? You the driver?
Are you kidding???? Do I not always pray for direction, guidance, resources, even a censor at my lips? No, of course I do not want to be "on my own." That would defeat the entire purpose of what I do.
"So then," the voice continued, "why are you hesitant to bring the criticism to Him? Is it not from fear that he will confirm that you've been wrong in what you've been doing?"
Groannnnnnn. Silence. Then finally, "yes, Lord, it IS from that fear. What if I've been wrong all along? Then I'd lose everything and have to start all over again."
"Is that worse than going on, if you're wrong? Because if you ARE wrong in what you're doing, it's going to amount to zero effectiveness. You'll be writing just for the sake of getting YOUR ideas out there."
"God forbid, Lord!"
"God forbid?"
"Yes, Lord, God forbid. My purpose in life is to glorify you in fulfilling all of the call with which YOU have called me, and if I ever stray away from that and get into MY will rather than YOUR will, what profit is it? I'd be totally wasting my time."
"That's correct."
"So ok, then, I bring it to you. I open my heart bare before you. I especially confess to you that I even HAD those thoughts rooted in pride, rebellion, and self-will. Purify my heart, oh Lord, remove from me every last vestige of pride and self-will. I didn't know bits of them were still there. HOW STUPID could anyone be who desires to serve you, yet won't even bring a criticism to you lest it be confirmed as valid criticism? That's absolutelly absurd. If the criticism is valid, then we need to deal with it. And I stand ready for you do deal with me, regardless of the price or the pain."
It was a heavy session there with God this morning, all focused on this incident and what it exposed in me. That is a painful thing to experience, especially because the pride and self-will inside the heart is going to scream at the top of its lungs, demanding that you agree with it. You don't recognize it as pride or self-will; instead you gather together all the arguments against it, to prove the criticism wrong. And most of the time, that's the end of that incident. You win. And ...you lose.
It can't be so with anyone who desires to walk in discipleship, in intimacy, with the Lord. Before one desires this, he must question himself whether or not he's willing to pay the price, because when the spotlight of the Lord shows up a hidden evil, it hurts immensely, and one's reaction is going to be an angry attempt at justifying one's self.
But having said that, I, as a witness of this process, must add that when that hidden thing is exposed and confronted and resisted, and finally surrendered to the Lord, the result is going to be an incredible and indescribable peace. And a blessing will follow that, had one known it in advance, one wouldn't have hesitated in the first place. But one WON'T know in advance, because the hidden issues of the heart are very, very serious things and necessitate a 100% surrender if one is going to be discipled by the Lord whom one professes. "No pain, no gain," they say, and never is that so true as it is in the walk we are called to walk under the Master.
An interesting thing happened after this session was completed. I always have my prayer time BEFORE my Scripture reading time, because many times the answer to whatever came forth in my prayer time, will be found in my Scripture time. And lo and behold, that was to be true today. My Old Testament reading DIRECTLY spoke of all I have written here. And my New Testament reading DIRECTLY confirmed that what I have been doing IS what I'm called to do.
That just blew my mind! Even having experienced this kind of thing SO many times throughout the years, you just never get used to it and are surprised all over again when the Lord has gone before you to make sure it works out like this. It's beyond awesome!
And now I sit here in the peace I had before this all happened, but with another enemy vanquished and a new layer of healing applied to my soul. Thank you, Lord. Thank you so much for not leaving me at the beginning, when I was stamping my feet.
